Insecurities, Doubts and Worry, oh my!

Considering that I am trying to replace my actual Journal that I frequently write in (Yes, I'm not kidding) into something more unique and out-of-the-box for me, like this Blog, I thought I would attempt to get a little more serious with myself, real, and just release some emotions and thoughts that basically need to be released.

First off, I've decided that relationships are complicated. I should know this by now, being that I'm on Marriage #2, and should have learned things that I wanted to improve on the second go-around, but like all things, I learn a little something new everyday and maybe that's why I'm feeling a little confused at the moment. Maybe some of my insecurities go back to being married so young, and having a lot of pressure and responsibility thrust upon me at a young age. But, that is another topic in itself completely that would require a lot of psychological counseling and insight, but for now, bear with me.

Let me try to skim this down to the basics to give you the gist of why I'm feeling a little "weird about it" tonight. I was raised in an extremely religious household, the kind where dating is not approved unless you are chaperoned, you aren't allowed to associate with other people or read materials not associated to your religion, and all the normal moral stuff like no sleeping between the sheets, sharing the spit, looking under the "family bush" was accepted. Dating was pretty much impossible, and all you really had to entertain yourself until you were 18 and able to get married so you could wake the neighbors with loud, obnoxious, awkward sex magic. You never really got a chance to know or invest time with someone because your hormones were so raging that you could not wait to have some dude "pop the question" so you could do the mattress mambo. Okay, enough sexual analogies. You get the point. Well, those of you who know me, know that I never really followed those kind of rules really well, and started dating my first husband at age 17. Now, had I known about contraception, sexual responsibility, and spermicide, I probably wouldn't have ended up pregnant at 18. Having a child was something I have never regretted, but marrying a guy I barely knew because "it was the right thing to do" and finding out he was a drug addict, alcoholic and wife beater, is something I do. Now, I should have seen it coming right? Oh, let's add pathological liar to that list too. Marry a christian boy from your congregation and you end up with one super fantastic, spiritual, and successful family right?

Anyways, back on track... despite the hardship of living with an abusive, drug addicted fanatic, I tried my best to make it work, because that's what I was raised to believe and that's what I felt I had to do. In the end, I finally gave up. I finally threw in the towel around age 23, and realized after being split up, separated, and scared for my life at times, it just wasn't worth the witness relocation program costs.

Come down to modern day, I have a great, loving husband, no doubt. Greg is absolutely everything to me. The problem is that, sometimes I feel that if we aren't connecting, don't really talk to each other, whether from lack of tiredness, stress, frustration, whatever, I feel like I'm tromping through the forest of bleakness. I don't think I'm an emotionally needy person, but no one really likes to admit that they are, so maybe I'm just being ignorant. Considering our family is really going through a lot right now, namely, change of home, change of jobs, financial concern, I can see where this puts a big strain on couples. Greg's always been a really quiet person and doesn't become emotional or speak his mind about things often, in fact, he kind of gets repelled with those "deep relationship, let's get back on the same page, are you okay" conversations that I feel are extremely necessary for me to remain sane. Honestly, sometimes, I just don't understand. I've been told by every male that I've been in a relationship with that what I want is fictional and unrealistic. Maybe that's just me living in my own little Lisa world, but I am still stubborn enough to hang onto what I want, and I don't think anyone can blame me for it. But, I am also readily able to admit when I'm wrong. Perhaps next blog we'll dive into the "fictional and unrealistic world" of Lisa, for now, I am signing off.